someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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