You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
