dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
