we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
did i just pee glitter
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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