Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
