he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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