Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Randomize
