just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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