Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Randomize
