i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
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