Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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