her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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