i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
