I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
