If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
