This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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