if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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