he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
