I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
