It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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