Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
