also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
