theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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