So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
