seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
