I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
