My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
