So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
