nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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