Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
