last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize