Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
