Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
