The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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