She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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