We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
