Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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