I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
