Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
