when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
