I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
