Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just cropdusted the office
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
