dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
