She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
