He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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