I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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