seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
