dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
