i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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