hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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