Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
