Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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