I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
