I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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