i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
