Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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