Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
