i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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