Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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