So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
