I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
