he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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